Welcome Home
The Party
By Rev. Valerie Ann
Hart
November 5, 2014
Imagine that you are hosting a
dinner at your home. You have invited a number of friends who have attended
your dinner parties in the past and you have also invited a new neighbor who
just moved in down the street. Think about how you would treat that new person
that you don’t know very well and you are hoping will become a friend. What
would want that person experience at your home?
When they get to your house they
would see the light on and, weather permitting, the door open or at least ajar.
Perhaps they would even find you waiting near the door looking for them.
They would be graciously invited
inside. If they had a coat you or one of your friends would take it from them
and put it in a safe place. They would be offered a comfortable chair where
they could feel part of the gathering, even if one or more of your friends
needed to rearrange their seating to provide space. They would be offered
something to drink, usually an option such as “Would you like a glass of wine?
We also have fruit juice and coffee.” The conversation in the living room would
immediately change to include the new member of the party. There would be
introductions all around and someone would ask them about themselves, like
“Where did you move from?” or “How long have you lived here?” If there was an
ongoing conversation the new person might be invited to join by someone saying,
“We’ve just been talking about what we are planning to plant in our gardens
this spring. Are you planning a garden? We could help you learn what grows best
around here.”
When it came time for the meal you
would explain any expectations and be sure that the new person was comfortable,
even if everyone else knew exactly how things were to be done. For example one
might say, “We are having a buffet. You can take one of the plates here and
choose what you would like to eat. Don’t forget to pick up the rolled napkin
with utensils. There are some little tables over on the other side that you can
put in front of your chair.” Or “Please join us at the table. We have a seat
saved just for you. Most of us use chop sticks, but I always set out forks as
well so that everyone can be comfortable.” Or “Please take this seat next to
mine so I can tell you about each dish and what is in it.” Or “We like to pass
the food around. First we will pass the tortillas, you can take either the corn
or the wheat. Most of us take one of each. Then you put the beans, cheese and
whatever else you want in the middle of the tortilla and roll it up. Some like
to have the beans and rice on the side. We eat the rolled up tortilla with our
hands and use the fork for the rice and beans.” Or “You’ll notice at the place
setting that there are a number of utensils. There are two forks because we
like to use the small fork for the salad which will be served first and the
larger fork for the main dish.”
After dinner all the guests would
be invited to stick around for dessert and conversation. Your new neighbor will
probably have met several people by this time and your friends should
specifically encourage the neighbor to stay. You would keep an eye out to see
that your new guest was never left sitting alone. You would bring coffee and
dessert to your new friend and be sure that the conversation always included
him or her.
When the party was over and your
neighbor left you would not be the only one expressing hope that they will come
to the next gathering. And they would probably be putting the date on the
calendar and looking forward to it.
Let’s contrast this experience
with a less hospitable host.
The new neighbor has trouble
finding the house. It is dark out and the porch light is not on so they are not
sure they are at the right home. They go up to a large heavy, closed door. They
are about to ring the doorbell and see a small sign that says “Do not ring
bell, just come in.” Hesitantly they open the door. Inside they see a number of
people sitting in the living room talking with one another. No one notices the
new comers. By the door there is a table with a pile of papers that say welcome
and have the menu and schedule for the evening. The chairs are in a circle and
all the comfortable ones have been taken. There are a few straight back kitchen
chairs behind the others that are empty. In order to get to those chairs the
visitor has to push by some of the people who are deep in conversation. The
visitor sits quietly in their chair and tries to follow a conversation that has
already begun about people they have never met.
When it is time for dinner
everyone gets up and goes to the table. They all seem to know exactly what to
do, but the new neighbor has no idea what the food is or how to eat it. They
look around and try to follow what others are doing, but it is strange food
they have never eaten before. Feeling awkward, they eat very little. When
dinner is over someone announces time for dessert and all stand up and begin
moving toward the basement. The new neighbor takes this as an opportunity to
get away from an uncomfortable situation. The host is standing at the door, shakes
their hand and says “Thank you for coming I hope you will come again.”
How likely do you think it is that
this new neighbor will return?
Have you ever gone to church and
had that type of experience?
Every church has people who have
the gift of hospitality. They just seem to naturally know how to make someone
comfortable in their homes. And all of us know basic manners and how to treat
someone we invite to our house. Yet too often those basics are completely
forgotten when it comes to Sunday morning. We are so busy greeting our friends,
finding our own spiritual nurturance or putting on the liturgy that we forget
about the basics of hospitality.
It is not that people don’t know
what to do or that the clergy are not trying to get people to respond. I
remember attending a fairly large church that was at least three quarters full
where the preacher focused that morning on welcoming visitors. He included in
his sermon that a friend of his from seminary had come to town to visit and
attended church the previous Sunday. He had gone to the coffee hour and no one
had spoken to him. The preacher did a good job of explaining why this was a
problem so I thought that coffee hour should be pretty welcoming this week.
After the service was over there
was an individual who spoke to me and said she hoped I would go to coffee hour
and pointed the way. She evidently had something important to do and couldn’t
walk me over there. I found my way to the correct hall. There were a fair
number of people there, but not as many as I would have expected given the size
of the congregation. There was a beautiful spread, with strawberries, crackers
and cheese in addition to the usual cookies. I filled up my plate and stood
near the food and away from the wall, close to the center of the room. I
wondered what would happen. It turns out that after a rather long feeling five
minutes no one had spoken to me. Not one! After that sermon, a mature woman
could stand for five minutes without a single acknowledgement from anyone. I
was amazed.
Of course I have been to other
churches where people were extremely welcoming. One community even encouraged
me to bring my dog into the coffee hour so she was not left in the car. They
even brought her water and dog biscuits.
Take a minute to think about some
times when you have attended a church where no one knew you. What was it like?
Did it feel good? Perhaps you wanted to be left alone and were glad that no one
spoke to you. Perhaps you were on vacation and wanted something short and sweet
and out the door. Perhaps you were looking for a church home and found one that
first day - or left disappointed
If you are interested in making
your church more welcoming I encourage you to go by yourself to a church where
you know no one else. If you go with another person, you have each other to
talk to and cling to, when you go alone you get to really experience what it is
like, for good and/or bad.
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