Welcome Home - The dinner party

I don't have any sermons for Proper 27A, so I am posting some of my thoughts about making churches welcoming places for new people. Here I look at how one might treat a new friend at a dinner party as an example of how we might want to treat a visitor to church.

Welcome Home

The Party

By Rev. Valerie Ann Hart

November 5, 2014

Imagine that you are hosting a dinner at your home. You have invited a number of friends who have attended your dinner parties in the past and you have also invited a new neighbor who just moved in down the street. Think about how you would treat that new person that you don’t know very well and you are hoping will become a friend. What would want that person experience at your home?

When they get to your house they would see the light on and, weather permitting, the door open or at least ajar. Perhaps they would even find you waiting near the door looking for them.

They would be graciously invited inside. If they had a coat you or one of your friends would take it from them and put it in a safe place. They would be offered a comfortable chair where they could feel part of the gathering, even if one or more of your friends needed to rearrange their seating to provide space. They would be offered something to drink, usually an option such as “Would you like a glass of wine? We also have fruit juice and coffee.” The conversation in the living room would immediately change to include the new member of the party. There would be introductions all around and someone would ask them about themselves, like “Where did you move from?” or “How long have you lived here?” If there was an ongoing conversation the new person might be invited to join by someone saying, “We’ve just been talking about what we are planning to plant in our gardens this spring. Are you planning a garden? We could help you learn what grows best around here.”

When it came time for the meal you would explain any expectations and be sure that the new person was comfortable, even if everyone else knew exactly how things were to be done. For example one might say, “We are having a buffet. You can take one of the plates here and choose what you would like to eat. Don’t forget to pick up the rolled napkin with utensils. There are some little tables over on the other side that you can put in front of your chair.” Or “Please join us at the table. We have a seat saved just for you. Most of us use chop sticks, but I always set out forks as well so that everyone can be comfortable.” Or “Please take this seat next to mine so I can tell you about each dish and what is in it.” Or “We like to pass the food around. First we will pass the tortillas, you can take either the corn or the wheat. Most of us take one of each. Then you put the beans, cheese and whatever else you want in the middle of the tortilla and roll it up. Some like to have the beans and rice on the side. We eat the rolled up tortilla with our hands and use the fork for the rice and beans.” Or “You’ll notice at the place setting that there are a number of utensils. There are two forks because we like to use the small fork for the salad which will be served first and the larger fork for the main dish.”

After dinner all the guests would be invited to stick around for dessert and conversation. Your new neighbor will probably have met several people by this time and your friends should specifically encourage the neighbor to stay. You would keep an eye out to see that your new guest was never left sitting alone. You would bring coffee and dessert to your new friend and be sure that the conversation always included him or her.

When the party was over and your neighbor left you would not be the only one expressing hope that they will come to the next gathering. And they would probably be putting the date on the calendar and looking forward to it.

Let’s contrast this experience with a less hospitable host.

The new neighbor has trouble finding the house. It is dark out and the porch light is not on so they are not sure they are at the right home. They go up to a large heavy, closed door. They are about to ring the doorbell and see a small sign that says “Do not ring bell, just come in.” Hesitantly they open the door. Inside they see a number of people sitting in the living room talking with one another. No one notices the new comers. By the door there is a table with a pile of papers that say welcome and have the menu and schedule for the evening. The chairs are in a circle and all the comfortable ones have been taken. There are a few straight back kitchen chairs behind the others that are empty. In order to get to those chairs the visitor has to push by some of the people who are deep in conversation. The visitor sits quietly in their chair and tries to follow a conversation that has already begun about people they have never met.

When it is time for dinner everyone gets up and goes to the table. They all seem to know exactly what to do, but the new neighbor has no idea what the food is or how to eat it. They look around and try to follow what others are doing, but it is strange food they have never eaten before. Feeling awkward, they eat very little. When dinner is over someone announces time for dessert and all stand up and begin moving toward the basement. The new neighbor takes this as an opportunity to get away from an uncomfortable situation. The host is standing at the door, shakes their hand and says “Thank you for coming I hope you will come again.”

How likely do you think it is that this new neighbor will return?

Have you ever gone to church and had that type of experience?

Every church has people who have the gift of hospitality. They just seem to naturally know how to make someone comfortable in their homes. And all of us know basic manners and how to treat someone we invite to our house. Yet too often those basics are completely forgotten when it comes to Sunday morning. We are so busy greeting our friends, finding our own spiritual nurturance or putting on the liturgy that we forget about the basics of hospitality.

It is not that people don’t know what to do or that the clergy are not trying to get people to respond. I remember attending a fairly large church that was at least three quarters full where the preacher focused that morning on welcoming visitors. He included in his sermon that a friend of his from seminary had come to town to visit and attended church the previous Sunday. He had gone to the coffee hour and no one had spoken to him. The preacher did a good job of explaining why this was a problem so I thought that coffee hour should be pretty welcoming this week.

After the service was over there was an individual who spoke to me and said she hoped I would go to coffee hour and pointed the way. She evidently had something important to do and couldn’t walk me over there. I found my way to the correct hall. There were a fair number of people there, but not as many as I would have expected given the size of the congregation. There was a beautiful spread, with strawberries, crackers and cheese in addition to the usual cookies. I filled up my plate and stood near the food and away from the wall, close to the center of the room. I wondered what would happen. It turns out that after a rather long feeling five minutes no one had spoken to me. Not one! After that sermon, a mature woman could stand for five minutes without a single acknowledgement from anyone. I was amazed.

Of course I have been to other churches where people were extremely welcoming. One community even encouraged me to bring my dog into the coffee hour so she was not left in the car. They even brought her water and dog biscuits.

Take a minute to think about some times when you have attended a church where no one knew you. What was it like? Did it feel good? Perhaps you wanted to be left alone and were glad that no one spoke to you. Perhaps you were on vacation and wanted something short and sweet and out the door. Perhaps you were looking for a church home and found one that first day - or left disappointed

If you are interested in making your church more welcoming I encourage you to go by yourself to a church where you know no one else. If you go with another person, you have each other to talk to and cling to, when you go alone you get to really experience what it is like, for good and/or bad.

A man who had two sons - Luke 15:11

This week I am sharing some thoughts about the parable of the prodigal son. In particular I am exploring what it tells us about the role of Christian community in welcoming people home to a relationship with God.

‘There was a man who had two sons.” - Luke 15:11

This quote introduces one of Jesus’ most famous parables. Sometimes called the story of the Prodigal Son, I prefer to think of it as being about the extravagant father. If only this story remained of Jesus’ teachings he would still be seen as a wise spiritual leader who transformed our understanding of God and the human relationship with God. Lets take a look at the parable in some detail.

Then Jesus said, ‘There was a man who had two sons. The younger of them said to his father, “Father, give me the share of the property that will belong to me.”

The story begins with the younger son wanting his inheritance NOW. He is not willing to wait until his father is dead. He has no concern for what need his father may have for this wealth during his lifetime, he has no concern for his elder brother and he shows no love for his father.

So he divided his property between them.

One would expect the father to be insulted by such a request and to say “absolutely not.” But this father is different. He in extraordinarily generous and gives his son freedom to do as he wishes.

A few days later the younger son gathered all he had and travelled to a distant country, and there he squandered his property in dissolute living. When he had spent everything, a severe famine took place throughout that country, and he began to be in need. So he went and hired himself out to one of the citizens of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed the pigs. He would gladly have filled himself with the pods that the pigs were eating; and no one gave him anything.

The son is a complete failure. During his time away he has wasted his inheritance and fallen to the bottom of the social ladder. He now has nothing.

But when he came to himself he said, “How many of my father’s hired hands have bread enough and to spare, but here I am dying of hunger! I will get up and go to my father, and I will say to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you; I am no longer worthy to be called your son; treat me like one of your hired hands.’ ” So he set off and went to his father.

The son has reached such a low point that he “came to himself.” He realizes the mistake he has made and is ready to go home. He does not go home a hero, but rather, humbled. There is still no indication here that he truly cares about his father. Yes, he plans a speech in which he acknowledges his guilt, but his motivation appears to be a desire for some bread and security.

But while he was still far off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion; he ran and put his arms around him and kissed him.

The father’s motivation is clear. He is filled with compassion. He runs to his son who had insulted him and wasted his money. One should note that in the Middle East during this time period a wealthy man would never run. That was undignified. Yet this father’s extravagant love for his son compels him to such a warm greeting.

Then the son said to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you; I am no longer worthy to be called your son.” But the father said to his servants, “Quickly, bring out a robe—the best one—and put it on him; put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet.

The son is unable to say his entire prepared speech because the father is more interested in welcoming him home then listening to a confession. What matters to the father is the well being of his son. And by having the servants put a ring on his finger he is making it clear that he is still his son. Even though the son treated the father as dead, even though the son denied his relationship with his father, the father has always considered him his child.

This could have been the end of the parable. It is in fact all that most people know about it. The point is clear. God loves us like this extravagant father. God is waiting for us to return. When we have walked away from God’s love, at the first sign of our desire to return to a relationship with God, God comes to us.

This is a strong and powerful message. It is at the heart of Christianity, that God is anxious to forgive us and return us to our place as children of God. Many struggling souls have found solace in this story and found the courage to renew their relationship with God because of it.

But Jesus did not end the parable at this point. There is more, and the more is not about the one who has left God, but about those of who remain in relationship with the Father.

And get the fatted calf and kill it, and let us eat and celebrate; for this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found!” And they began to celebrate.

Suddenly it is not just between the father and the son, there is an entire community to welcome the son home. When the son left, he left not just his father, but a community made up of the entire household, including his father’s servants. The return home of the son is a time of celebration for everyone. Well, almost everyone.

‘Now his elder son was in the field; and when he came and approached the house, he heard music and dancing. He called one of the servants and asked what was going on. He replied, “Your brother has come, and your father has killed the fatted calf, because he has got him back safe and sound.” Then he became angry and refused to go in.

The elder brother is angry, and refuses to celebrate the return of the younger son. He is the “good son”. He represents those who have remained faithful to God and worked hard for the church. Let’s hear his side of the story.

His father came out and began to plead with him. But he answered his father, “Listen! For all these years I have been working like a slave for you, and I have never disobeyed your command; yet you have never given me even a young goat so that I might celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours came back, who has devoured your property with prostitutes, you killed the fatted calf for him!”

Most of us can sympathize with the elder brother. Here he has been “good” and worked hard while his brother, at least from the elder son’s perspective, was having fun. Also, since his brother already got his inheritance, where is the money for the party coming from? Shouldn’t the one who has stayed, been faithful, and worked hard be the one to receive the rewards?

I took a course in seminary on bringing biblical humor to life and we were assigned as groups to take some passage from scripture and act out an alternative approach to understanding it. One of the groups had a trial scene before a judge where the elder brother is trying to have the judge declare his father legally incompetent to handle his monetary affairs because he gave his younger brother so much of his estate and is now giving him more - even though there is every reason to believe that it too will be wasted.

But that is not Jesus’ point of view.

Then the father said to him, “Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours. But we had to celebrate and rejoice, because this brother of yours was dead and has come to life; he was lost and has been found.”

From the father’s perspective, from God’s perspective, a son has found his way home, so of course we celebrate. By including the story of the elder son in his parable Jesus is making an important point. Those who consider themselves to be followers of Jesus, those who would be his disciples, are the servants of God. It is their job to celebrate the return. It is the servants who bring the robe and the ring. It is the servants who put on a feast and party with music and dancing. God forgives and accepts the child who has strayed and is ready to return, but it is the members of church community, who are responsible for the celebration. They are the ones who put flesh on the extravagant love of God. The return to God is a return to a community, and it is up to the community to provide the welcome home celebration.

Think about this - when a new person walks through the door of a church, does the entire congregation celebrate as if a brother was dead and has come to life? Is there rejoicing that someone who was lost has been found? Or is the reaction a little like the elder son who resents this person coming into “my” church? Or even worse, does no one notice or care?

Half of the parable of the Extravagant Father is about the church community and how the community is to respond to a fellow child of God who is attempting to return to a relationship with God. If Christ’s primary message of God’s extravagant love is summed up in first half of this parable, then the second half of the parable sums up his message to the community of his followers - love one another (especially those who have just come home).

This is the responsibility of the community of faith - to welcome people home. It is the church's primary responsibility. It is the reason for the church’s existence - to welcome people home to God and support one another is staying in relationship with God.

Welcome Home Part 1 - The importance of being a welcoming community

This week, and for the next few weeks, I do not have a copy of a sermon that I can share on this blog. Instead I will be sharing some of the thoughts I have had about how the church can be a truly welcoming community.

Walking into a church on a Sunday morning can be quite intimidating for a new person. Approaching and entering a strange building that is filled with people who know one another takes a great deal of courage. One must be highly motivated to cross that threshold. There must be a longing of some kind, a need or a hope that drives one into the personal space of an unknown community. This is a vulnerable position heightened by a fear of doing or saying something wrong because one doesn’t know the social norms, the language or the expectations of the community. It is not unlike disembarking alone off an airplane in a country where you know no one and don’t speak the language.

After twenty years of active ministry as an Episcopal priest I am having an opportunity to experience what it feels like to be the stranger. I have begun my retirement traveling around the country visiting friends, relatives and national parks in my RV. During these months on the road I look for a church each Sunday. Wherever I am on Saturday night I take out my smart phone and search for a nearby Episcopal Church. I then go to the website or call the office of nearby churches and see which one to attend. Sometimes I get a sense to either explore or ignore a church based on its website. Usually I chose the church by location and time of services.

Even though I have been a part of the Episcopal Church in one way or another throughout my entire life, at these congregations I am a stranger. My church visiting experiences are varied. There were places where I feel a warm welcome and that I am immediately a part of the community. More often I feel ignored, tolerated or downright unwelcome. All that I have learned at church growth seminars, all that I have tried to incorporate into the worship of the churches where I have served, takes on a new meaning as I live the role of the stranger.

After some months on the road I came to have a longing for a home. Not a longing for a physical home, but for a church home. I realized that something deep in my soul longed for a spiritual community. I came to realize that when someone walks into a gathering of a spiritual community, they are consciously or unconsciously longing to come home to the divine.

From these experiences I have come to a new understanding of the great spiritual importance of the role welcome within the spiritual community. I could even say that the primary purpose of a spiritual community is to welcome the stranger home to a relationship with the divine.

My posts for the next few weeks will be exploring what that means and how a community can be truly welcoming.